The Douchebag Scale


I had a philosophy that I now realize is offensive to men, I called it The Douchebag Scale.

Every man on earth automatically receives an initial score of 1, just because they have a penis.

The score goes up if the male acts like a fucking jerk. Most jerks are actually douchebags, if I may be so bold.

Even my dad who was like the nicest guy ever, he was a level 2 douchebag because he sometimes upset my mom by being a jerk!

My brother is a level 4 douchebag. If you’re under a 5, it’s not considered as a full-blown DB.

My first abuser is a 10. He is a controlling, demanding, manipulative, perverted, cruel monster who still haunts my nightmares after almost two decades.

The second one was a moderately safe DB at 5, until he started graduating from level to level, which put him into a close tie with my first trauma provider, at an evil 9.

I see now how awful this idea of mine was. It’s the same as men saying that every baby girl born in the world gets an automatic 1 on the bitch scale.

But honestly, I’m about a 3 myself and I’ve known a ton of total bitches.

I made it up mostly to make my coworkers and friends laugh. And it worked.

But that was a long time ago, so I sincerely apologize to the douchebags men who might be reading this, although it’s doubtful with all the internet porn.

Come on, that was funny.

It is funny.

Don’t be a douche.

Abbey Normal  11/1/18

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