Exhausted by Life

 

Well then. It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything here. I almost forgot I had a 2nd blog that I created when I feel the need to stay on the down-low.

Which I do now.

Where to even start…there’s so much going on and all I really want to do is make a pillow fort to hide in.

I’ll just jump right into it, I suppose.

I’ve decided not to let the scared little 3 year old inside of me take over any longer. I’m facing my soon to be ex husband in court, the day after Mother’s Day, which is two weeks away. I did nothing wrong. He did the cheating and was heavy handed with his subtle abuse our entire 15 years together.

Why should I have to pay extra fines with money that I don’t have? I need to suck it up and just do it. I have a right to defend myself and just in case he thinks he has a right to half of my home, which he does not.

Since my mom is extremely ill, my aunt has offered to go with me for moral support.

I can do this. It’ll be difficult and I really hope that I don’t have a total panic attack or start crying.

Speaking of my mother, I don’t think she’ll make it much longer. She’s so miserable and I absolutely hate it. There isn’t anything that anyone can do. She’s seeing a surgeon this week about possibly getting a colonoscopy bag, if it would help her in any way, but I am doubtful that they’ll want to take a chance on a 74 year old woman with a bad heart and emphysema, who weighs less than 90 pounds.

On the good side (what’s that, Abbey?) of life, my 1 year anniversary with my boyfriend is coming up on June 3rd. It’s been a true life changer for me. I still have trust issues, mainly with being rejected once he finds out how fucked up I am, but I am sorting through all of that a day at a time. He treats me so well, I suppose that I’m still in shock most days.

That’s pretty fucking sad in its own way, isn’t it?

But back to the shitty end of the stick, I hate money. More importantly, I hate that I cannot work and make my own. I mean, I went to the grocery store on Saturday with my boyfriend and I used the zippy cart. Well, due to the continuing cold weather, internal stress and whatnot, it sent me into yet another fibro flare.

As much as I’d love to be healthy enough to work again, it ain’t gonna happen.

I try to keep my head above water, but I’m finding myself constantly sinking. I’ll probably have to sell my car to pay my house taxes.

I think that after my divorce is final, I’ll also be looking into possibly selling my home.

Poor people shouldn’t own a home.

I’m just really exhausted by life.

How about you?